When we were younger, we had a saying that goes like this: "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me". Kids would say it in an attempt to ward off hurt feelings, whenever something hurtful was said to them. As an adult having survived a journey to hell and back, I realize now how wrong that saying really is. I'm not just a bystander watching others deal with domestic violence and abuse, I was an unwilling participant for years.
This story is personal to me and is being written in an attempt to help others from going through the same type of hell. By the grace of God, I pulled myself from the fire and am alive to tell the tale. It is not a pleasant story, but one that needs to be told, nonetheless, in order to save others from the same despair. While I'm not an expert necessarily, I have come to know many things from my experiences and also from learning about it for myself. I hope that by reading my story, it may encourage others to get help any way that they can. The bottom line is that there are numerous resources available for people living with domestic violence. Identifying the problem and getting an understanding are the first steps to recovery for both involved.
I had the unfortunate experience of domestic abuse when I had just met my now ex-husband. I was a mere 18 years old and had just graduated high school with a very bright future ahead of me. With a small 5'2" frame and slightly under 100 pounds, I was no match for a 6'2" male that weighed almost 200 pounds. I was inflicted with physical bruises, but even worse, my spirit was broken and left with a very low self esteem. Living with constant criticism, belittling and humiliation, I lost full confidence in myself and felt no longer mentally able to get away.
In the beginning of our relationship, he was incredibly charming and we had such good times together. All of my family loved him because he had such a charismatic personality and no one would have thought that things would transpire the way that they did. In fact, I told no one of what was happening, for fear of humiliation and shame, I guess. Pushing me into furniture and up against walls in the beginning, did hurt me, but I never really imagined the pain that was involved later. Every time that he would apologize, I truly believed him, because I wanted to believe he really was sorry. It seemed that he kept me just happy enough to make me continue to have faith in our relationship.
He had a very upsetting childhood, as he was left alone a lot while his mom went out to 'hunt down' his dad from the bar. His parents were very abusive to each other while bringing up their two children in a home of alcoholism, violence, and abuse. If I had met them and heard their story before I had married him, maybe I would have thought twice about marrying such a troubled man. He was subconsciously consumed with anger and distrust, which I believe stemmed from his own upbringing.
There are different forms of domestic abuse. One type of abuse is social isolation when one holds access to money and controls all of the activities. It is the abuser's way of maintaining power in his eyes. My personal social isolation happened because he insisted that we only needed one car between the two of us. My spouse would not let me go anywhere and seemed to really care very little about what I wanted. He even tried to make me feel guilty when I wanted to go and visit my family. When he took a job in his hometown 50 miles away from my own home, it was just another way that he kept me isolated. I had no family or friends around and no vehicle to even go home to visit. I only had him.. and that's how he wanted it.
Whether there are children to take care of or not, women become increasingly dependent on the spouse for many reasons, if they aren't allowed to have a life of their own. It makes it even harder to leave or feel capable of leaving. Sometimes when the man is the abuser, he will insist that the woman not work outside the home, as yet another way to retain control. When I wanted to go to college for my chosen career, he said no, that he wanted me to stay at home. He also said that he didn't ever want me to work and that I didn't need to. Many opportunities came to me for jobs that I wasn't allowed to take. I've learned since then, that it's common for the abuser to do this type of thing in order to remain in control.
Domestic violence is not only physically painful, it's just as much mentally hurtful to anyone that is victimized in this way. One of the things that make this especially hard to understand is that it usually is done by someone that you may think truly loves you. This type of behavior is not about love at all, it's solely about power and control. It's a mistake to think that any person that loves you with even half of their heart, would do such things to you. Do not be fooled by apologies and promises, because they probably will not be kept. It is a mutual belief among people that stay in abusive relationships, that the apology is sincere. However, facts show that most of the time, the abuser will say they are sorry in order to rid themselves, for their own sake, of their own guilt. They just say it because it makes them feel better. They don't really apologize to make you feel better, nor do they even feel sorry for hurting you. Once you have forgiven them, some time will pass, and the cycle will undoubtedly begin again. If they were truly sorry, it would never happen again.
There are organizations that will help people living in this kind of mental abuse, but you have to take the first step. After years of living this kind of nightmare, somehow, I found my inner strength. Truthfully, to this day I am amazed that I even survived. I realized that none of what happened to me was my fault, nor was I any of the things that he made me believe about myself. I was not worthless or stupid, and never cheated on him, like he had continually accused me. Don't ever accept this type of behavior because it will leave you with deep scars and some are harder to cover than others. The best and most honest advice that I could give to anyone that finds themselves in any situation such as the ones listed above, is to RUN.. get help.. talk to someone you trust.. save yourself or you may get lost, or worse.. So, the saying is true about sticks and stones... however, in my own opinion, words really can hurt worse. While words can't really break bones, they can break your heart and your spirit.
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