Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Sticks and Stones... Sometimes Words Hurt Worse
When we were younger, we had a saying that goes like this: "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me". Kids would say it in an attempt to ward off hurt feelings, whenever something hurtful was said to them. As an adult having survived a journey to hell and back, I realize now how wrong that saying really is. I'm not just a bystander watching others deal with domestic violence and abuse, I was an unwilling participant for years.
This story is personal to me and is being written in an attempt to help others from going through the same type of hell. By the grace of God, I pulled myself from the fire and am alive to tell the tale. It is not a pleasant story, but one that needs to be told, nonetheless, in order to save others from the same despair. While I'm not an expert necessarily, I have come to know many things from my experiences and also from learning about it for myself. I hope that by reading my story, it may encourage others to get help any way that they can. The bottom line is that there are numerous resources available for people living with domestic violence. Identifying the problem and getting an understanding are the first steps to recovery for both involved.
I had the unfortunate experience of domestic abuse when I had just met my now ex-husband. I was a mere 18 years old and had just graduated high school with a very bright future ahead of me. With a small 5'2" frame and slightly under 100 pounds, I was no match for a 6'2" male that weighed almost 200 pounds. I was inflicted with physical bruises, but even worse, my spirit was broken and left with a very low self esteem. Living with constant criticism, belittling and humiliation, I lost full confidence in myself and felt no longer mentally able to get away.
In the beginning of our relationship, he was incredibly charming and we had such good times together. All of my family loved him because he had such a charismatic personality and no one would have thought that things would transpire the way that they did. In fact, I told no one of what was happening, for fear of humiliation and shame, I guess. Pushing me into furniture and up against walls in the beginning, did hurt me, but I never really imagined the pain that was involved later. Every time that he would apologize, I truly believed him, because I wanted to believe he really was sorry. It seemed that he kept me just happy enough to make me continue to have faith in our relationship.
He had a very upsetting childhood, as he was left alone a lot while his mom went out to 'hunt down' his dad from the bar. His parents were very abusive to each other while bringing up their two children in a home of alcoholism, violence, and abuse. If I had met them and heard their story before I had married him, maybe I would have thought twice about marrying such a troubled man. He was subconsciously consumed with anger and distrust, which I believe stemmed from his own upbringing.
There are different forms of domestic abuse. One type of abuse is social isolation when one holds access to money and controls all of the activities. It is the abuser's way of maintaining power in his eyes. My personal social isolation happened because he insisted that we only needed one car between the two of us. My spouse would not let me go anywhere and seemed to really care very little about what I wanted. He even tried to make me feel guilty when I wanted to go and visit my family. When he took a job in his hometown 50 miles away from my own home, it was just another way that he kept me isolated. I had no family or friends around and no vehicle to even go home to visit. I only had him.. and that's how he wanted it.
Whether there are children to take care of or not, women become increasingly dependent on the spouse for many reasons, if they aren't allowed to have a life of their own. It makes it even harder to leave or feel capable of leaving. Sometimes when the man is the abuser, he will insist that the woman not work outside the home, as yet another way to retain control. When I wanted to go to college for my chosen career, he said no, that he wanted me to stay at home. He also said that he didn't ever want me to work and that I didn't need to. Many opportunities came to me for jobs that I wasn't allowed to take. I've learned since then, that it's common for the abuser to do this type of thing in order to remain in control.
Domestic violence is not only physically painful, it's just as much mentally hurtful to anyone that is victimized in this way. One of the things that make this especially hard to understand is that it usually is done by someone that you may think truly loves you. This type of behavior is not about love at all, it's solely about power and control. It's a mistake to think that any person that loves you with even half of their heart, would do such things to you. Do not be fooled by apologies and promises, because they probably will not be kept. It is a mutual belief among people that stay in abusive relationships, that the apology is sincere. However, facts show that most of the time, the abuser will say they are sorry in order to rid themselves, for their own sake, of their own guilt. They just say it because it makes them feel better. They don't really apologize to make you feel better, nor do they even feel sorry for hurting you. Once you have forgiven them, some time will pass, and the cycle will undoubtedly begin again. If they were truly sorry, it would never happen again.
There are organizations that will help people living in this kind of mental abuse, but you have to take the first step. After years of living this kind of nightmare, somehow, I found my inner strength. Truthfully, to this day I am amazed that I even survived. I realized that none of what happened to me was my fault, nor was I any of the things that he made me believe about myself. I was not worthless or stupid, and never cheated on him, like he had continually accused me. Don't ever accept this type of behavior because it will leave you with deep scars and some are harder to cover than others. The best and most honest advice that I could give to anyone that finds themselves in any situation such as the ones listed above, is to RUN.. get help.. talk to someone you trust.. save yourself or you may get lost, or worse.. So, the saying is true about sticks and stones... however, in my own opinion, words really can hurt worse. While words can't really break bones, they can break your heart and your spirit.
This story is personal to me and is being written in an attempt to help others from going through the same type of hell. By the grace of God, I pulled myself from the fire and am alive to tell the tale. It is not a pleasant story, but one that needs to be told, nonetheless, in order to save others from the same despair. While I'm not an expert necessarily, I have come to know many things from my experiences and also from learning about it for myself. I hope that by reading my story, it may encourage others to get help any way that they can. The bottom line is that there are numerous resources available for people living with domestic violence. Identifying the problem and getting an understanding are the first steps to recovery for both involved.
I had the unfortunate experience of domestic abuse when I had just met my now ex-husband. I was a mere 18 years old and had just graduated high school with a very bright future ahead of me. With a small 5'2" frame and slightly under 100 pounds, I was no match for a 6'2" male that weighed almost 200 pounds. I was inflicted with physical bruises, but even worse, my spirit was broken and left with a very low self esteem. Living with constant criticism, belittling and humiliation, I lost full confidence in myself and felt no longer mentally able to get away.
In the beginning of our relationship, he was incredibly charming and we had such good times together. All of my family loved him because he had such a charismatic personality and no one would have thought that things would transpire the way that they did. In fact, I told no one of what was happening, for fear of humiliation and shame, I guess. Pushing me into furniture and up against walls in the beginning, did hurt me, but I never really imagined the pain that was involved later. Every time that he would apologize, I truly believed him, because I wanted to believe he really was sorry. It seemed that he kept me just happy enough to make me continue to have faith in our relationship.
He had a very upsetting childhood, as he was left alone a lot while his mom went out to 'hunt down' his dad from the bar. His parents were very abusive to each other while bringing up their two children in a home of alcoholism, violence, and abuse. If I had met them and heard their story before I had married him, maybe I would have thought twice about marrying such a troubled man. He was subconsciously consumed with anger and distrust, which I believe stemmed from his own upbringing.
There are different forms of domestic abuse. One type of abuse is social isolation when one holds access to money and controls all of the activities. It is the abuser's way of maintaining power in his eyes. My personal social isolation happened because he insisted that we only needed one car between the two of us. My spouse would not let me go anywhere and seemed to really care very little about what I wanted. He even tried to make me feel guilty when I wanted to go and visit my family. When he took a job in his hometown 50 miles away from my own home, it was just another way that he kept me isolated. I had no family or friends around and no vehicle to even go home to visit. I only had him.. and that's how he wanted it.
Whether there are children to take care of or not, women become increasingly dependent on the spouse for many reasons, if they aren't allowed to have a life of their own. It makes it even harder to leave or feel capable of leaving. Sometimes when the man is the abuser, he will insist that the woman not work outside the home, as yet another way to retain control. When I wanted to go to college for my chosen career, he said no, that he wanted me to stay at home. He also said that he didn't ever want me to work and that I didn't need to. Many opportunities came to me for jobs that I wasn't allowed to take. I've learned since then, that it's common for the abuser to do this type of thing in order to remain in control.
Domestic violence is not only physically painful, it's just as much mentally hurtful to anyone that is victimized in this way. One of the things that make this especially hard to understand is that it usually is done by someone that you may think truly loves you. This type of behavior is not about love at all, it's solely about power and control. It's a mistake to think that any person that loves you with even half of their heart, would do such things to you. Do not be fooled by apologies and promises, because they probably will not be kept. It is a mutual belief among people that stay in abusive relationships, that the apology is sincere. However, facts show that most of the time, the abuser will say they are sorry in order to rid themselves, for their own sake, of their own guilt. They just say it because it makes them feel better. They don't really apologize to make you feel better, nor do they even feel sorry for hurting you. Once you have forgiven them, some time will pass, and the cycle will undoubtedly begin again. If they were truly sorry, it would never happen again.
There are organizations that will help people living in this kind of mental abuse, but you have to take the first step. After years of living this kind of nightmare, somehow, I found my inner strength. Truthfully, to this day I am amazed that I even survived. I realized that none of what happened to me was my fault, nor was I any of the things that he made me believe about myself. I was not worthless or stupid, and never cheated on him, like he had continually accused me. Don't ever accept this type of behavior because it will leave you with deep scars and some are harder to cover than others. The best and most honest advice that I could give to anyone that finds themselves in any situation such as the ones listed above, is to RUN.. get help.. talk to someone you trust.. save yourself or you may get lost, or worse.. So, the saying is true about sticks and stones... however, in my own opinion, words really can hurt worse. While words can't really break bones, they can break your heart and your spirit.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Define Your Own Success and the End Result Will Be Happiness.
When you define your own motive for gaining success, the end result will be happiness. Within every person is a very unique set of needs and wants that must be fulfilled in order to experience the feelings of joy, success, and genuine happiness. Because this set of desires is different for everyone, you must be able to tap into and decode your own path. In decoding this pathway, you'll need to take a personal assessment of your own values and views of what constitutes happiness and success in your opinion.
The first step in revealing your definition is to ask yourself 'how do you measure and define success?' What are your true needs and desires that will result in happiness from your life? When you have an answer, this will become your definition for your own motivation. Set your goals according to what motivates you, keeping in mind that success is only what you think it is and how your mind perceives it. People who are vague and uncertain in defining their motivation, may never attain long-term success. When realizing that being vague and uncertain are self-imposed conditions, the importance of clarity in your definition will be evident in the process of changing and improving your life.
Every person has their own definition of what being successful means. Maybe success to you is having a lot of material things, such as cars, boats, houses, etc. However, other people may feel like success is having more time to spend with their family, or maybe just having peace in their life. Most people think that it's money that they want and what will make them happy. When they buy "things" they want with the money that they feel that they've slaved to earn, it still doesn't make their lives "happy". Many times they don't realize that money is just a 'vehicle' that they may need to get what their soul really wants...
When you find your definition, keep your mind on it and stay focused. As an example of a way to retain focus, I have even gone so far as to change my desktop picture to a graphic of something that I really want... it's a picture of an RV by the lake, people fishing, the sun is just setting, campfire is burning with chairs around it, kids roasting marshmallows... Can you tell what my mind is telling me that I really want? Relaxation. Peace. A feeling of freedom. The picture doesn't tell my mind that I want to buy a new RV or that I want to go fishing more, even though those are true, my mind's eye really sees this as having peace and relaxation. So, maybe it's a new car, new house, being debt free, or going to Hawaii that you have as your goal. Whatever it is for you, keep your mind on it and let it be your motivation to succeed.
Understanding your definition has an important role in determining your level of success in your life and in your business. Don't forget what it is that you really want. Get a clear vision of the future that you would like to have and focus solely on it and make it your motivation to getting what you truly want. Personal motivation comes from within and it is the key to achieving success at work and at home.
Self-defeating issues such as fear, anxiety, indecisiveness, procrastination, and perfectionism can be major contributors to a lack of motivation. It's important to clarify your goals and then work to achieve them. Unless you take the necessary action to rid yourself of them, all of these psychological issues can cause you to lose sight of your goals. Coming to grips with personal issues is important in realizing why you do these things that lower your success level and then taking steps to change. Don't worry about setbacks and don't dwell on mistakes. Focus instead on your perception of success and soon enough you will stop dwelling on shortcomings and instead come to expect the best from yourself.
Keep your mind on the goal at hand and don't let your mind stray from it. This is what will determine your desire to make things work in your life and in your business. If you focus on self-discipline and proper time management, you will be able to change those old thinking habits into a lifelong formula for success. You can get motivated and stay focused by implementing a few changes and following a few personal rules. Establish your plan, follow it carefully, and forgive yourself for imperfections. You will soon transform your life into one of a highly motivated, disciplined individual.
The people who find their own definition are those who achieve amazing levels of success in life and enjoy a rich happiness. Observing those who seem to be successful in your view, can be an excellent way to duplicate their success. Along your journey to success and happiness, you need to follow three basic principles; discover what it is that you truly desire, discipline yourself to achieve them and remain focused on the end result.
Go ahead and decide your own future by asking yourself what will be the outcome of your life!
The first step in revealing your definition is to ask yourself 'how do you measure and define success?' What are your true needs and desires that will result in happiness from your life? When you have an answer, this will become your definition for your own motivation. Set your goals according to what motivates you, keeping in mind that success is only what you think it is and how your mind perceives it. People who are vague and uncertain in defining their motivation, may never attain long-term success. When realizing that being vague and uncertain are self-imposed conditions, the importance of clarity in your definition will be evident in the process of changing and improving your life.
Every person has their own definition of what being successful means. Maybe success to you is having a lot of material things, such as cars, boats, houses, etc. However, other people may feel like success is having more time to spend with their family, or maybe just having peace in their life. Most people think that it's money that they want and what will make them happy. When they buy "things" they want with the money that they feel that they've slaved to earn, it still doesn't make their lives "happy". Many times they don't realize that money is just a 'vehicle' that they may need to get what their soul really wants...
When you find your definition, keep your mind on it and stay focused. As an example of a way to retain focus, I have even gone so far as to change my desktop picture to a graphic of something that I really want... it's a picture of an RV by the lake, people fishing, the sun is just setting, campfire is burning with chairs around it, kids roasting marshmallows... Can you tell what my mind is telling me that I really want? Relaxation. Peace. A feeling of freedom. The picture doesn't tell my mind that I want to buy a new RV or that I want to go fishing more, even though those are true, my mind's eye really sees this as having peace and relaxation. So, maybe it's a new car, new house, being debt free, or going to Hawaii that you have as your goal. Whatever it is for you, keep your mind on it and let it be your motivation to succeed.
Understanding your definition has an important role in determining your level of success in your life and in your business. Don't forget what it is that you really want. Get a clear vision of the future that you would like to have and focus solely on it and make it your motivation to getting what you truly want. Personal motivation comes from within and it is the key to achieving success at work and at home.
Self-defeating issues such as fear, anxiety, indecisiveness, procrastination, and perfectionism can be major contributors to a lack of motivation. It's important to clarify your goals and then work to achieve them. Unless you take the necessary action to rid yourself of them, all of these psychological issues can cause you to lose sight of your goals. Coming to grips with personal issues is important in realizing why you do these things that lower your success level and then taking steps to change. Don't worry about setbacks and don't dwell on mistakes. Focus instead on your perception of success and soon enough you will stop dwelling on shortcomings and instead come to expect the best from yourself.
Keep your mind on the goal at hand and don't let your mind stray from it. This is what will determine your desire to make things work in your life and in your business. If you focus on self-discipline and proper time management, you will be able to change those old thinking habits into a lifelong formula for success. You can get motivated and stay focused by implementing a few changes and following a few personal rules. Establish your plan, follow it carefully, and forgive yourself for imperfections. You will soon transform your life into one of a highly motivated, disciplined individual.
The people who find their own definition are those who achieve amazing levels of success in life and enjoy a rich happiness. Observing those who seem to be successful in your view, can be an excellent way to duplicate their success. Along your journey to success and happiness, you need to follow three basic principles; discover what it is that you truly desire, discipline yourself to achieve them and remain focused on the end result.
Go ahead and decide your own future by asking yourself what will be the outcome of your life!
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Lack of Communication could signal danger for emotional affair.
Good communication skills are absolutely vital in any successful relationship, whether it be in the workplace or in your personal relationship. ‘Communication’ is one of the most important words in the English language and without a doubt, one of the most important traits in any relationship. The basic concept of good communication is to express or exchange information and ideas by means of spoken words or written messages. This should also include attentive listening to gain a complete understanding of the message being conveyed.
Every healthy relationship needs a place of comfort and what they feel is their 'safe haven'. After an exhausting day in the world of frustration and disappointment, it is necessary to have that type of "safe haven". It isn't literally a factual place, it is more of an idea and a state of complete closeness as in having the feeling of 'you and me against the world'. It gives the couple a perfect notion that everything will be alright, as long as they have each other. This type of theoretic sanctuary that eases the stresses of work and the pressures of debts can be the greatest vaccination against daily conflict.
Ineffective communication and the lack of having this type of conceptual shelter is one of the main factors that contribute to the dissolution of many relationships.
Your personal relationship, as well as your home business could possibly fail without clear and concise communication between each of the parties involved. Inability to communicate effectively in a relationship can cause many problems for both personal and business connections, including the possibility of infidelity. The main reason that people cheat on their partners is because they are searching to fill a void in their relationship. The void that they have between them, whatever it may be, causes them to feel empty inside.
Once they start to feel alone and it seems that they have no one to talk to, that is when doubts invade their minds - such as thinking there is something wrong with themselves or that their relationship isn't what it should be. While the occasional doubt in a relationship is normal, if it happens too often it can lead to feelings of rejection and tension. The emptiness leads to feelings of loneliness and despair, which is also a common cause of depression.
During the initial realization of the communication break down, the person that isn't getting their need fulfilled, may try to express their feelings about it; stressing the importance to them in having that type of comfort. They usually describe it as a need, something that is required, something that is detrimental to what they envision and desire in a partner.
After they have tried to discuss the lacking quality, and nothing really changes between them, hopelessness sets in. They might try to reason with themselves and convince their minds that they don't really need it and will be fine without it. Some people may even tell themselves that they should just get a friend that will give them what they need emotionally. That's when the possibility becomes very real that they could have the closeness that they need with someone else. They may even set out to find a friend that they can talk to, possibly one of the opposite sex.
Every healthy relationship needs a place of comfort and what they feel is their 'safe haven'. After an exhausting day in the world of frustration and disappointment, it is necessary to have that type of "safe haven". It isn't literally a factual place, it is more of an idea and a state of complete closeness as in having the feeling of 'you and me against the world'. It gives the couple a perfect notion that everything will be alright, as long as they have each other. This type of theoretic sanctuary that eases the stresses of work and the pressures of debts can be the greatest vaccination against daily conflict.
Ineffective communication and the lack of having this type of conceptual shelter is one of the main factors that contribute to the dissolution of many relationships.
Your personal relationship, as well as your home business could possibly fail without clear and concise communication between each of the parties involved. Inability to communicate effectively in a relationship can cause many problems for both personal and business connections, including the possibility of infidelity. The main reason that people cheat on their partners is because they are searching to fill a void in their relationship. The void that they have between them, whatever it may be, causes them to feel empty inside.
Once they start to feel alone and it seems that they have no one to talk to, that is when doubts invade their minds - such as thinking there is something wrong with themselves or that their relationship isn't what it should be. While the occasional doubt in a relationship is normal, if it happens too often it can lead to feelings of rejection and tension. The emptiness leads to feelings of loneliness and despair, which is also a common cause of depression.
During the initial realization of the communication break down, the person that isn't getting their need fulfilled, may try to express their feelings about it; stressing the importance to them in having that type of comfort. They usually describe it as a need, something that is required, something that is detrimental to what they envision and desire in a partner.
After they have tried to discuss the lacking quality, and nothing really changes between them, hopelessness sets in. They might try to reason with themselves and convince their minds that they don't really need it and will be fine without it. Some people may even tell themselves that they should just get a friend that will give them what they need emotionally. That's when the possibility becomes very real that they could have the closeness that they need with someone else. They may even set out to find a friend that they can talk to, possibly one of the opposite sex.
There would be an absolute danger of infidelity if they were to actually begin having this emotional bond/closeness with someone other than their partner.
Reaching a good level of communication is entirely possible and absolutely necessary in achieving a healthy relationship. Couples have to work together to rebuild and improve their communication in order for that safe haven to be present. Love is a two-way street, so both of them need to make sure to meet halfway in making the best relationship for all involved. Here are some ideas to keep in mind in order to fix or regain your safe haven:
- Be clear and specific when you are trying to convey a point in order to get your
message across. - Avoid sarcasm, rude comments, and hurtful remarks. Don't say
anything that you wouldn't say if you weren't upset, because you will have
regrets over having said it later. - Be willing to say you are wrong. If you are wrong, then admit to it and also be willing to say you are sorry.
- Sit around the table and eat a meal together. Share stories of the day and your
feelings on specific issues. Listen carefully to gain full understanding and
give support when needed.
Spending quality time together can resolve many daily upsets and worries. This time spent together aids in settling problems and misunderstandings also.
Another good idea is to turn the television off every once in a while. Television is not conducive to conversation, of course, so when it's on most conversation will dwindle. As a result, the two people will watch the television and don't really talk to each other at all. They eventually become increasingly introverted, less willing to share feelings and emotions, and have little time or inclination to converse with each other.
In many homes it is rare for a family to sit around the table and eat a meal together. Marriage break-ups and domestic strife seem to be on the increase and the reason for this could be the lack of communication that is necessary. People have such busy lifestyles and schedules these days, sometimes it's difficult to find time to interact with each other. Family relationships used to be valued, sadly however, things have changed.
Be sure to show appreciation to your partner and also let them know when something is bothering you. Communicate with each other and explain why you sometimes feel unappreciated. Sharing feelings will possibly bring greater closeness.
Parents should encourage their children to marry a person that they truly enjoy talking with and are comfortable in sharing thoughts, because in their older years it will become an even greater asset to them having someone that gives them their 'safe haven'.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
